i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
