When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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