someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
