i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
