People with herpes should wear stickers.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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