Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
