If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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