i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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