He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
