I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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