you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
