trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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