Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
There's always time for handjobs
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
