Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
