This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
