So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
