Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
