I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
