Got a toothbrush?
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
