Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
