i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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