Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize