Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
