Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
