my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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