Swine flu. Run for my life!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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