i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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