Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
