3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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