I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
