"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
