There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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