Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
