OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
