how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize