so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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