Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
