You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
