He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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