I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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