youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
