I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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