oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
