is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
