So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
