So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
