idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
