i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just googled if crying burns calories
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
