I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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