If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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