there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
