I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
