You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I am spending my child support on dildos
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
