I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
