I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
