The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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