So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
