I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
