rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
