Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
