I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
